I wrote this as part of my AtoZ blogging challenge back in April.
I am a member of ‘Library after dark’ writers in Clondalkin and we were all asked to submit pieces for the Red Line Readers Festival. As I had nothing prepared ( bold girl). I decided to submit ‘Coppers’. I was absolutely delighted it was picked out of the many submitted and chuffed to be one of writers chosen to read my piece at The Civic Theatre in Tallaght on October 15th as part of the Red Line Festival.
When I submitted the piece I said if it was chosen, I would read dressed in character. I’m sorry I opened my mouth now. …anyone got a loan of a leopard print mini skirt?? 🙂
Some tickets still available for this event 🙂
One minute I’m in the queue for Coppers, and the next I’m in the back of a Black Maria .I was hoping to meet a nice garda, have a few scoops, a bit of a bop, maybe get a lift home, but this was ridiculous. I’ve never been in trouble with the police in my life. My ma would kill me. They wouldn’t even say why I was arrested, just threw me in the van like a sack of spuds. ‘Not much coverage with that skirt Carla’ says one of them as it rode up my arse. I tried pulling it down, which wasn’t easy I can tell you with my hands cuffed ‘ Who the hell are you’ says I ‘The bleedin’ fashion police, and who the fuck is Carla?’
The clothes were only new aswell. I never usually wear pink but my Ma is always saying pink is my colour. The skirt was a bit shorter than I normally wear but Laura said it was about time I started showing off my best assets. I always thought that was me boobs but hey, she was always a jealous cow; a flat chested one at that. ‘…and leopard print never goes out of fashion’ she said. The boots though…what was I thinking of? Laura said they made me look taller, sexier, and more elegant but Holy Mother; I could barely walk. I think I got bunions on my bunions from them. I couldn’t wait to get in to my slippers.
It was bloody freezing in that interrogation room, and they left me there for ages before a plain clothes detective eventually came in ( a fine thing he was too)
I should have listened to my ma ‘You’ll get bloody pneumonia so you will’ she said before I went out. ‘A skirt half way up your backside and your boobs hanging out. You’re just asking for trouble dressed like that…and no coat on in the middle of December.’
You should always listen to your mammy.
‘So, Carla can you tell me about the chap in the black polo neck you were talking to tonight?’ says the detective as he sat across the table from me.‘I can tell you my name is not Carla, and if you mean the ride I was chatting to while I was having a smoke in the queue outside Coppers, he’d only lit my cigarette, when you lot turned up and reefed me out of the queue. Talk about ruining a girls chances. He legged it when he saw me being man handled by your lot. God knows what he thought of me.
‘…and have you arranged to meet him again?’ ‘You lot dragging me away like you did ruined any chance I had of arranging any meeting. Anyway chaps like him don’t date girls like me’.’And what kind of ‘girl’ are you Carla?’ says he.
It was the way he looked at me chest made me go scarlet.
‘My name isn’t Carla and will you stop looking at me boobs’ I said. ‘You’re giving me a complex’. I knew it was a mistake to wear that blouse. I thought of my ma again. Mammies are always right aren’t they?
‘Looks like the real deal ‘ says he nodding at my chest. ‘Penney’s €7.99’, says I. ‘They’ve a sale on’. ‘Well isn’t Penney’s great all the same’, says he. ‘They really do sell EVERYTHING don’t they’. He was really starting to piss me off at this stage, and why did I get the feeling it wasn’t me blouse he was talking about? ‘Look love’ says I, covering my chest with my handbag. ‘Why am I here? My whole night is ruined and my friends are probably wondering where I am’.
‘We’ve been watching you and Georgie and his gang for the past few weeks Carla, and we want to know…’
‘…My name is not bloody Carla and who’s this Georgie fella’?
‘Don’t play games with me Carla. We know Georgie is your pimp, now just tell me…’
‘…my pimp? The fuckin’ cheek of you. Why would I have a pimp? Do I look like a hooker to you?’
‘Well if the boots fit Carla’ says he, looking down at my legs. I tried pulling my skirt down but my hands were still cuffed and anyway the bloody thing wouldn’t come past my bum. I caught my reflection in the glass behind him.’ Oh holy Mother of divine , the state of me. Panti Bliss eat your heart out I thought. I needed to get home and out of these clothes. Wait until I saw Laura. This was all that wagons fault. I’d never go shopping with her again; The bitch.
His mobile phone rang and he took it from his pocket.
‘Hello, hiya Martin, yeah, yeah, yeah. What? Holy fuck. When? Where is she? Right, I’ll be out in a minute’.
‘What’s up?’ I asked. ‘Can I ring my ma, she’ll be waiting up for me. She never goes to bed until I get home, and…
‘You can go’ he said. ‘What? Just like that. You keep me locked up for hours for no reason and now all of a sudden I can go, with no explanation’.
‘Don’t exaggerate love This isn’t C.S.I. Miami’ says he as he uncuffed me. Jaysis but he had gorgeous eyes and he smelled bleedin’ massive. Paco Rabanne if I’m not mistaken. ‘You weren’t locked up’ says he. ‘You’ve been here for less than an hour; most of which you spent moaning about wanting to go home, so now you can go…Home’.
I grabbed my bag and headed for the door. ‘You’ll be hearing from my brief’ I shouted back down the hallway. ‘You can’t treat me like some hooker and then send me home without an explanation’. I was ragin’. Why couldn’t I have met him in Coppers on his night off, and preferably while I was wearing my little black dress and leather sling backs, and not looking like Bet Lynches twin sister. That Laura one really has a lot to answer for.
Once outside, I stuck a fag between my lips and rummaged for my lighter as a squad car pulled up beside me. A pair of legs clad in fuck me boots and fishnet tights emerged from the back seat. Looking up, I came face to face with… myself; wearing a leopard print skirt, pink chiffon blouse and hair back combed to fuck.
‘Move it Carla’ said a copper as he pushed her towards the door. ‘Snap’ said Carla with a grin, looking me up and down. ‘Nice blouse love, suits you’
Jaysis, was that five o’clock shadow I saw on her face?
Flicking the cigarette over my shoulder, I hailed a taxi and I swore ‘I will never shop in Penney’s again, and I will always listen to my ma.